On April 7, 2019, at 11:49 a.m., my world changed. It sounds cliche, but it’s so true. I held our daughter in my arms for the first time, and I couldn’t get enough of her. I just wanted to look at her all the time, memorizing everything about her face. When I would lay her down, I’d actually miss her. I’d heard people say that before but thought they must be exaggerating. Turns out, they weren’t. I loved Katherine more deeply than I realized was possible.
Maternity leave was awesome. I worked at WellStar Health System at the time, and they do a great job supporting working parents. Plus, I had an incredibly supportive boss who is a working mom herself. I ended up taking 6 1/2 months of maternity leave and loved every minute of it. (Side note – if your company doesn’t provide great maternity benefits, you should make it a priority to do so. It’s 2020, and this is a no-brainer.)
I always pictured myself being a mom who worked full-time at an office. I’d worked really hard to obtain my degrees and make wise career choices. I was a Sr. HR Consultant supporting corporate departments at one of the largest healthcare systems in Georgia. I loved the HR team I worked with. Plus, a lot of them are working moms, so I knew I’d have a good support system. It was an environment in which I could see myself long-term. I had career goals and aspirations and wanted to keep moving up the ladder.
So, on October 24, 2019, I became a working mom. To be honest, the first day wasn’t as hard as I feared it would be. We’d done a few practice runs at daycare, which helped, and it was close by at one of the WellStar hospitals so it was easy to go see her. It felt very surreal to be back in my office. Everything was familiar – same coworkers, same HR issues to help with – but so much about me had changed. Even so, it was nice to see people and put some mental energy into something different. I was very optimistic.
However, instead of each day getting easier, it got harder. I was more and more exhausted and felt less and less myself. Every day was a rushed marathon trying to get everything done. I didn’t have the passion and drive at work that I used to. The amount of nightly prep for the next day was insane. Pumping became a chore. Katherine didn’t nap as well at daycare, so she was more tired too. And this was only our first child! And I was in a supportive work environment and had a wonderfully helpful husband!
Thankfully, I was surrounded by a lot of working moms who were happy to share advice and lend a listening ear. Here are the most important lessons I learned from these wonderful women and from my own experience. If you’re a first-time mom going back to work, I hope this brings some encouragement to you. If you’ve been a mama for a while, I hope this reminds you how awesome you are.
Becoming a working mom is a new role. We talk about “going back to work” after having a baby, but let’s be honest, there’s no going back. Becoming a mom for the first time is a completely new role. Then, when you return to work, you’re starting another completely new role as a working mom. The work may be the same, but you aren’t. It takes time and a lot of trial and error to figure out this new role. It’s also crazy how much you can forget! I finally had to have my voicemail password reset because I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. And trying to remember names? Not a chance.
Be patient with yourself as you figure it out. When I was preparing to return to work, I discovered The Fifth Trimester, which has really helpful tips and resources on their website for moms who are returning to work. If you’re a new working mom, be sure to check it out!
It’s also a role that keeps changing as your family changes. Being a working mom with a newborn is a different role than being a working mom with 3 teenagers. The challenge is that you’ll need to continue learning and adapting. The good news is, if you’re really struggling during a certain stage, it won’t last forever!
However you feel is okay – and you’re not alone. Once I became a working mom, other working moms were more transparent with me about their experiences. Some really enjoyed being back at work while others struggled. Each mom had her own way of handling this. The key was I had to be transparent with them too about how I was doing. Whether I needed to share a funny story or be encouraged, I had colleagues or friends I could turn to. It was like being part of a new club!
It’s so important to talk about how you’re feeling – whatever it is. Whether you’re happy or sad, excited or frustrated, you’re not the only mom who’s ever felt that way. Talk with others, and support each other.
The key to “having it all” is determining your must-haves. In my mind originally, “having it all” was a full-time career in an office doing work that I enjoyed while having a family and doing all these activities and trips while also cooking and having family dinners together and having some time for my husband and for myself – all while feeling well-rested and happy with a clean house. (You can go ahead and shake your head at me now.)
Other working moms just made it look so easy! Finally, when I really talked with them about it, I realized I was only seeing the surface. They’d had to do a lot of work to figure out what to juggle and how to do it.
You can’t do everything, so you have to decide what’s important for you, what you can delegate to others, and what no longer needs to happen. There’s no one right solution. What’s right is whatever is right for you. The needs also change over time, so you keep readjusting. Talk to other moms to get ideas about what they’ve done, and try out a few tweaks. You’re incredible and very capable – you’ll figure it out!
There’s no one right way. Each of us is our own individual with our own gifts, talents, and callings. Motherhood is the same way. There’s no one right way to be a working mama. Moms have all kinds of working arrangements – full-time in an office, full-time working from home, part-time, part-time in multiple jobs, days, nights, you name it. I know moms with each of these arrangements who are very happy and love their lives. Once you determine your must-haves, it is easier to know what kind of working arrangement is best for you.
For me, once I knew my must-haves, I knew that a full-time job in an office wasn’t best right now. Maybe it will be one day, but not right now. I was a little embarrassed about that because so many others are doing it so well and I wanted to be like them, but I had to be honest with myself. I made it 4 months and 10 days. Then, I said goodbye to what I thought I’d wanted and started down a new path, starting my own business and working from home.
This is a good time to emphasize that stay-at-home moms are awesome too. This is a job in and of itself, and a very demanding one. Again, what’s right is what’s right for you. It’s so important for moms to support other moms – we’re all trying to make the best decisions for our children.
Give yourself permission to ask for what you need. This one was very hard for me. I never want to be difficult, so I try not to have a lot of requests of others. Once I knew what I needed, though, the only way to get it was to initiate the conversation. Every time I looked at my daughter, I knew I needed to have the courage to start talking about what I needed and figuring out what that would look like.
It’s so easy not to take this step. To stay in what’s familiar even if it’s no longer what’s best for us. I encourage you to start the conversation, even if it’s a practice round with a friend. Ask for what you need to be the working mom you want to be. Ask for the promotion, the different schedule, a mentor – whatever you need.
And remember that you are awesome! Seriously, you are. Even on the bad days. Figuring out how to be great at being a working mom is its own job, and you’re doing great. Keep reminding yourself of that. Call another mom, and she’ll remind you. You’ve got this!
What advice would you share for first-time working mamas? Comment below to share your wisdom.
Photo credit: By halfpoint / Canva
