A good friend of mine just had a baby! They now have a toddler and a baby, just like we do, and I’m so excited for them. It’s also made me think a lot about my own journey into having 2 kids. Now that we’re 7 months in (ahh!!), life feels more settled. There are absolutely still some crazy moments, but I’m more confident in how to handle them. So, I’ve been thinking about what advice I could pass along to my friend that would help her the most. One thing stands out for sure – one particular adjustment that was the hardest for me in having 2 kids:
Feeling like I wasn’t fully meeting either child’s needs.
And, of course, feeling like a complete failure because of it. Having 2 sets of needs is something big to get used to. You’ve become accustomed to focusing on meeting the needs of 1 child – when to sleep, when (and what) to eat, play time, everything! Then, suddenly, you have 2 sets of needs to meet. It’s 2 sleep schedule needs, 2 feeding needs, 2 play time needs and wants, 2 bonding needs – the list goes on.
Sometimes, you’re able to alternate meeting one child’s needs and then the other. Sometimes, you’re able to sort of meet similar needs simultaneously (like napping at the same time or playing together). Those end up being the great times, but even those take time to get used to. You now have a divided mind. You’re playing with both children rather than one. You’re interacting with both children while you make dinner. It takes time to realize you aren’t failing one as you focus on both.
Other times, differing needs collide. This is the doozy. Toddler wants to play with you, but you need to put baby down for a nap. You always used to do toddler’s bath time, but now you need to nurse baby for bedtime. Both children are crying at the same time, and you have to decide which need to meet first. These moments are the hardest. And they happen to all of us.
Whether during the good times or the tough times, a few things have really helped me feel more confident and like less of a failure:
- Believe in your toddler’s ability to be a great sibling. Yes, it’s an adjustment. But what a gift to have a sibling! They will adjust over time and be great. Believe that and speak that into their lives. (Here are tips for introducing your baby to your toddler.)
- Do things together. The more you all do things together, the more comfortable everyone becomes.
- Find those activities most important to your toddler, and be there for those. While your toddler loves being with you all the time, some activities are more important than others. Is bath time particularly important? Or reading a certain book in the mornings? Or tucking them in at night? As you discover those “most important” activities, be there for those. This makes adjustment so much easier for both of you regarding those activities you won’t be there for (or might do with a baby in one arm).
- Use baby’s morning nap as 1:1 playtime with your toddler. In our house, baby’s morning nap start time settled into a schedule pretty quickly. Even though there were a million things that needed to be done around the house, I intentionally spent that time with Katherine. This was especially important in those first few weeks when everything was so new. Her knowing she got individual time with me seemed to be grounding for her.
- Have 1:1 time with baby too. Funny enough, this turned out to be the hardest to come by! The newborn schedule varies so much. Some days, I’d have a lot of individual time. Other days, almost none. So, on those days when Joel Jr. would end up awake during Katherine’s nap, I again tried to dismiss all the household to-do’s and spend time with him. Making sure to take advantage of the 1:1 opportunities helped my postpartum journey and made sure I didn’t miss those special newborn snuggles.
- Don’t cook for a while. Just do a bunch of takeout or frozen meals people bring to you. You have enough on your plate. If you must, bake chocolate chip cookies. Or make these Breakfast Cookies from Pioneer Woman. I made these after each kiddo was born, and it was such an easy snack to grab and eat while nursing.
- Try out routines to see what works best. As the weeks go on, you’ll start finding the combinations that work great for you and your kids. This will give you a Plan A for each day. It will also give you Plan B, C, and D. When something goes awry, you’ll know some next-best-things to go to next. And remember that schedules change a lot. Those first few weeks of a newborn schedule are different than a 3-month old schedule. So, if you’re in a challenging season, remember it’s pretty short (even if the days feel long).
- Stay calm when things go crazy. I’ve had my fair share of losing my temper when things would go crazy. Everything can fall apart so quickly! But here’s what I always learn – when I lose my cool, everything takes even longer than it already was! And everyone is more upset. When I stay calm, I can better bring everyone else down to calm also. Take a deep breath, and decide the next step to take. Not the next 10 steps. Just the next right thing. As you take each step, you’ll have more clarity on the next step to take and how to make it through in one piece.
Having 2 kids is a big adjustment. But having these things in mind helped me navigate each day in a way that I’m honestly really proud of. Imperfections and all. I hope it’s helpful for you too!
Photo: Walking Joel Jr. to sleep while Katherine did water play in the bathroom sink. Hey, it worked!
