You try to find ways to explain forgiveness and how to truly forgive someone who’s wronged you. Sometimes, it seems really complicated in our adult world. Then, a toddler comes along and acts it out just perfectly.
In our family, when our kids get hurt by something inanimate (they fall down on the driveway or stub their toe on a door), we have a practice of getting on to that item. We’ll spank the driveway and say, “Don’t you ever hurt Katherine Marie again – no, no, no!” My grandfather is actually the one who started this. He felt bad when we got hurt and wanted to do something to get us laughing. Now, I’ve passed that on to our family, and it dries the tears in no time.
Katherine is used to this and typically brings us over to the item that hurt her so we can go through our tradition. Then, one day, she added a step that was totally her idea. After we corrected the item, she gave it a hug and a kiss! It surprised me so much, and I thought maybe it was a one-time thing. But she kept doing it. Now, she sometimes just automatically gives a hug and kiss without having us correct the item.
Watching her so easily forgive has made me reflect on how we do this as adults. It’s so easy to find ourselves harboring resentment and anger toward others. Sometimes, for very understandable reasons. People aren’t always very nice. We know deep down that holding on to these feelings hurts us more than the other person. But that doesn’t always make it easy to truly forgive. That’s why I love how Katherine does it.
She acknowledges the pain. She provides correction if necessary (or has us do it!). Then, she gives a hug and a kiss and moves on.
Now, she might make some adjustments in her behavior – like avoiding that part of the driveway. And she might talk about the injury from time to time – how her boo-boo is healing or that it still hurts. She might even mention it randomly weeks later. But it’s in a matter-of-fact kind of way that acknowledges something that happened. Mentally and emotionally, though, she has let go of it. She continues on being her happy, loving self. And as she’s getting older, I’m starting to see her do this with pets and people too.
So, in a practical way that’s not too much of a stretch – what if we did this too? Here’s what I’m thinking. When someone wrongs us in some way, we acknowledge the pain. We correct them if applicable. And then, we continue on with our lives. We continue being fully ourselves – fully alive.
Instead of pushing down any feelings, we allow ourselves to feel them. But we don’t stay there. We feel what we feel. And the experience becomes part of our life story, which we accept.
Now, we might certainly create some boundaries and approach the person differently. We realize what we can and cannot change, and we respond accordingly.
But the big thing is this – rather than letting this experience negatively change us and control us, we continue on being the people we’ve been created to be. We forgive. We respond to the situation in a way that takes into account what’s within our control. Then, we do what we can to get things right. And we continue on!
This happens regardless of the other person’s response. Not that the response doesn’t matter. But it doesn’t control us. We cannot control anyone besides ourselves.
As adults, we so often look at how carefree children are and think – if only I could feel that way again! Maybe truly forgiving others can be a way to get there.
(While we’re talking about toddlers, if you want more about potty training or navigating Easter Egg Hunts, here you go!)
Photo: Katherine living her best life bouncing around the kitchen
